Gunner's Military Humor - USAFNS

You gotta love the Marines

2009-02-23T14:29:00.004-05:00

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and

A Naval Conference

2007-10-22T19:36:00.000-04:00

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, '

Conference in France

2007-10-22T19:35:00.000-04:00

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"A Boeing engineer stood

Colin Powell in England

2007-10-22T19:34:00.000-04:00

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return

And the moral of the story is...

2007-08-31T16:29:00.000-04:00

And the moral of the story is... The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She

Letter from a New Marine Recruit at MCRD San Diego

2007-08-31T15:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Ma and Pa,I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some

What time is it?

2007-07-16T17:14:00.000-04:00

On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"The tower responded, "Who is calling?"The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.If it is an American

Brash Pilot

2007-07-01T19:12:00.000-04:00

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station - skipping recruit training. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the

Fighter Pilots

2007-05-31T19:48:00.000-04:00

A C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 fighter pilot flew up next to him. The F-16 jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that. The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!" The C-130

Seamanship Test

2007-04-27T20:12:00.000-04:00

One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship. "Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?""Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures.""What would you do if an officer fell overboard?""Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"

The Master Chief

2007-04-25T15:50:00.000-04:00

The Master Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to come in "What is your name?" was the first thing the Master Chief asked the new guy."John," the new guy replied. The Master Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in Bootcamp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that

Veteran's Bar

2007-04-24T19:31:00.000-04:00

Four retired Navy Chief's are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over thedoorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize inthis case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.The old bartender says in a voice that carries across

Air Contollers & Pilots

2007-04-01T17:50:00.000-04:00

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.Speedbird 206: "

Old Country Preacher's Son

2007-03-17T13:35:00.000-04:00

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and

Erecting a Flagpole

2007-03-15T21:02:00.000-04:00

One last class before graduation at the Naval Academy and the Instructor gave out one final assignment."Given one 20 foot metal pole, two bags of cement, a selection of shovels, a wheel barrow, and any other tools you might find necessary, AND One Chief, one Petty Officer and a selection of Seamen, DESCRIBE The process you will take to erect the pole so that a flag hung from it can be seen from

Ship's Boatswain in a Quandry

2007-03-10T18:00:00.000-05:00

I was a brand new pin-stripe WO1 serving with a CWO3 Boatswain on the USS Newport News (CA-148) in late 1967. As we were about to pull into Da Nang harbor to take a two star admiral and his staff aboard (CTG 77.7.3 if I recall correctly). Originally, the plan was to highline the admiral and his staff aboard. But shortly after setting the highline detail, a low lying fog obscured visibility.

The Gunny sez...

2007-02-25T17:54:00.000-05:00

A group of Marine Corp Officers are standing around talking when a Lieutenant said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."They are all

Late for Work

2007-02-24T11:21:00.001-05:00

He just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, maybe 10 minutes late. He was very conscientious, very sharp and very productive. This was a second career for the gentleman so the Boss was in a quandary about what to do about it. Finally, he decided he needed to talk to him and called him into the office for a chat. "Bill, I have to tell you, I like your

A Marine's Watch

2007-02-14T20:52:00.000-05:00

A Marine walks into a Beaufort SC bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.The woman looks at his wrist and remarks, "That's some watch.I've never seen anything like it before. What is it?""I just got this," he replies. "It's a new military issue. It has a small computer chip which has threat detection and

Last Requests

2007-01-16T20:04:00.000-05:00

Bob Sheiffer, Tom Brokaw, Katie Couric and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. Sheiffer said, "I'd like one last bowl of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Sheiffer ate it and said, "Now I can

Ma Bell and the Writer

2007-01-03T13:17:00.000-05:00

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the military. He bought a plane ticket to Camp Lejeune, thinking he would start by working his way across the USA from south to north. On his first day he was inside the Base Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a

Gourmet application of MREs or How I Entertain a New Date

2006-02-05T03:51:00.000-05:00

If you don't get a laugh out of this one, you have no sense of humor or have never eaten MREs! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------How I Entertain a New Date:I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head

NO SEX SINCE 1955

2005-10-12T10:34:00.000-04:00

NO SEX SINCE 1955 A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering

Maintenance Monkey

2005-09-09T09:41:00.000-04:00

A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a First Class Petty Officer from the local Navy base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please." The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the PO1, saying, "That'll be

War-Weary American Marine

2005-08-30T16:06:00.000-04:00

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using

Rowing Teams...

2005-08-14T08:55:00.000-04:00

The Navy challenged the Army and the Air Force to a row boat race on the Potomac River. Each team practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

The Master Seageant and the General

2005-08-07T20:51:00.000-04:00

A Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The Master Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't

And now, something about fighter pilots!

2005-08-06T13:45:00.000-04:00

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

What time is it anyway?

2005-08-05T09:50:00.000-04:00

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference: If it is an American

Nothing important, sir!

2005-08-04T08:07:00.000-04:00

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...

2005-08-03T11:15:00.000-04:00

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter... You gotta love a man like this... Humor in the face of defeat A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine

Do You Have Change For a Dollar?

2005-07-27T22:31:00.000-04:00

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

The Navy Chief and the Seaman

2005-07-27T06:26:00.000-04:00

The Navy Chief and the Seaman "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Cartoons by Tammy LaVelle

2005-07-26T17:50:00.000-04:00

Marry a Military Man?

2005-07-26T16:43:00.001-04:00

Marry a Military Man?Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, & make beds, & is in good health, & he's already used to taking orders.

Bubba Joe's Sales Pitch...

2005-07-26T16:43:00.000-04:00

Bubba Joe's Sales Pitch...Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to Keesler Air Force Base and, because he was a good talker, the all knowing AETC officers assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the most current government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.Before long, the Captain in charge of the indoctrination briefing began noticing that Bubba

An Air Force Pilot ...

2005-07-26T16:42:00.000-04:00

An Air Force Pilot ...There's a story about the USAF pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A Navy Story...

2005-07-26T16:40:00.000-04:00

A Navy Story...A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty.The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast

Life in the Air Force...

2005-07-26T15:45:00.000-04:00

Life in the Air Force...A plane is scheduled to leave our American Air Force base in Thule, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump

It's a good story anyhow...

2005-07-26T15:43:00.000-04:00

It's a good story anyhow...I'm a grunt, never really played with the air wing, but was told this story during a night of drunken revelry with two other Marine vets who said they were there:Seems that a Marine Harrier squadron was invited to participate in one of the "Red Flag" exercises at Nellis Air Force Base.In keeping with the Corps expeditionary nature, the Marines had their birds

Military Wisdom

2005-07-26T15:41:00.000-04:00

*Military Wisdom*"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance."Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Marine Corps"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very

Late For Class

2005-07-26T15:05:00.000-04:00

Late For ClassAt the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace. ~It was to be expected,

City Councilman ejected from studio:

2005-07-26T15:00:00.000-04:00

City Councilman ejected from studio:A part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience."If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save

Why the Military can't communicate with each other...

2005-07-26T14:56:00.000-04:00

Why the Military can't communicate with each other...If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.If you